This is it. The last blog of my Xanga Career. April 12, 2004 was my very first Xanga post. I set it up because my dear friend Kaitlyn had one and I wanted to be one of the "Cool kids". I had just turned 16, was literally just days away from getting my first car, my red saturn, which is pictured below


it was my second semester at Waubonsee Community College. I had just gone through a pretty nasty split from my grade school/homeschool, and this was the first semester I was on my own intellectually. I was enrolled in Algebra 1, History of the US Government, Intro to Psychology, and, maybe the most notable, graphic design 1. Thats where all the magic happened, let me show you one of my first projects.



So at this point you are probably saying to yourself, "Josh, this is all well and good, but what was 16 year old Josh looking like? what was he all about? well, let me show you, then let me tell you.



Bam. Clay and Matt, yes I still do have photos from that year, I hope you guys like this one This is me at SBR, where I had spent most of 2003 summer and a good portion of 2004. You want to know about me? find out about this place. It's wonderful, its filled with God fearing individuals, and I probably grew in my faith in those years more than at any other point in my life, except maybe a year at Wheaton. To point to you where I was, I offer these links to my earlier Xanga posts, Click here!, or maybe here?, but probably just here. I tried to be a pretty deep guy back then. Not that I'm not trying to be now, as I hope you can tell from my recent blogs. but back then I was zealous (if that's the correct term to use). I remember I used to add it to my homework to write Xangas. its interesting because many times over the last six years I've gone back to these first posts to remind myself of where I've come and who I was, where I've been, and a pointer to where I'm going.

So why end this now, after six and a half years of going strong? Well, I guess I overshot it a little, I should've ended this past summer, when I finished with College and moved on to my adult jobs, but I guess I just didn't think of it. My education section of my life is finished, and with it, this part of life. I've loved my xanga, its actually gotten me through some really rough times, like when a friend of mine was hurting himself with an unhealthy relationship, or when I nearly failed my first class at wheaton, and some really good time, like when I got accepted to wheaton, or when I,when I learned to love music, also, when I got my car got notes all over it while I was in Target (Picture below)



so yeah, Its been real Xanga. Many good times, you've really helped me.

For my next project, head on over to http://www.squar3one.blogspot.com/ to see whats up. It will have a lot more multimedia, like videos and photos and stuff, it should be good.

I leave you with a blog post that I did while I was at Waubonsee.



~Josh.

So, Brett Favre is back on my wall. After a year and a half haitus, he has returned to the place of his former glory. With the Vikings all but out of the Playoff hunt, the Packers aren't playing them again, and Brett is the worst QB in the NFL. I think its safe to start thinking of him as the green bay legend rather than the Vikings enemy.

I realized something recently. I am in no way a child anymore. I don't live at home, I have responsibilities to pay rent, utilities, car insurance, cell phone, and a bevy of other things, I have to cook for myself (Kind of, Take out is more like it), I have a steady job and am trying to be responsible about my time and my possessions. I have felt different levels of adulthood, but its weird to say that I, Joshua Paul Blaney, am an adult. I am a Mr. Blaney of sorts. This transition has nothing to do with everyday life; that is, I will continue to do everything as I have done them in the past, but the difference is that in my mind I regard myself as a complete being. I don't know why this strikes me as being so weird, maybe because I've never been an adult before, maybe because this is where I will stay for the rest of my life, but I am excited for this time in my life. I'm ready to move forward, always moving forward, towards God, towards life, towards marriage and kids (eventually), moving towards the future. I'm ready and I'm excited.

~Josh

Today I'm going to take a bit of a different approach to my blogging/journaling. I'm going to try and diverge as little as possible. I think I have a pretty narrow stream of thought for this one. If I feel myself slipping, I'll try to return to my original thought. Here we go.

I have someone in my life right now that is hurting me at every chance they can. Not physically, but socially and psychologically. It's one of those things where my hands are tied and I just have to endure the silent beating. I've never been able to comprehend how people are able to stay in their anger, or at least not try to move on to a better tomorrow. I've tried to make things better myself several times, setting up coffee times, trying to be more friendly, but to no end. It really is one of those things that will leave you at your wit's end, feeling dejected and burned out by someone that probably has no idea of the effect they have.

But this has happened before. I was 19, no wait, 17, dear goodness, was I only 15 years old? Has this happened more than once? yes, yes it has. Like a broken record spinning farther but at every interval skipping, I have a history of this. Made to feel like an outsider, not deserving of friendship, even when I try to bring everything to the table. New wounds are simply applied on top of older ones, each time ripping open and letting the blood of my painful memories spill into my mind. A train ride gone badly, a concert ending in dejection, a birthday party never attended. These things stay with you like a nasty leech. Sure, as time comes and goes these things fade into the background, but they never go away, and at every opportunity for them to come back, they do. They split wide open and spill into my memories, and how vivid they are. And I am forever changed as a person. A little less trusting here, a little more hesitant to give all of my joy to a situation, a little less caring for people that may just be having a rough day. No, I guard myself a little more from letting my pain run freely. For, don't you see, the pain inflicting from one is a continuation of the pain inflicted all those long years ago.

And where do I go from here? must I continue to sit in God's waiting room, waiting for a type of friendship redemption or a slow smolder that just turns into ash? must there always be someone in my life in which this has to happen? Must I be affected in the rest of my relationships at the same time? All of these things continue to pursue me like a tail after its comet. I know that this will not be the last of strained and hurting relationships. I wish it were, but it's not. I am still to offend someone or not be worth it to someone. I will still be the odd man out. Though having this removed would be nothing but joy, I accept this. I almost welcome it, as if only to say that I am still me. And what escape to I have? what plan can I make against the prejudices of others? Nothing, I can do nothing except to remain me and remind myself that God is good.

Amen.

{postcript}If anything I've written today has resonated with you on how I've treated you, I'm sorry. Only 2 people come to mind, and they are far in the reaches of my childhood, but if you feel that I've mistreated you, I'm sorry. I really am. I would like nothing more than reconciliation and friendship moving forward. The name of the Lord be praised.